The Dangerous Downside to High Expectations

In my coaching and consulting work – whether it’s with C-level executives or small business owners, solo-entrepreneurs or healers – I’ve seen time and again how overly high standards can hold us hostage.

As a talented professional, small business owner, solo-entrepreneur, even as a parent, we don’t want to just be good – we often feel the need to get it just right. And many of us have been socialized to see this as a positive trait.

Yet our own desire to get it just right is also one of the main things that gets in our way. And researchers are finding that not only is perfectionism on the rise, it’s dangerous for our health, our productivity and our relationships.

It has been linked to:

• Working longer hours than necessary and chronic overwork
• Negative impacts on productivity
• Anxiety, fatigue and a wide range of stress-related illness
• Disappointment, frustration and even depression

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When it comes to ourselves, our work, our business, it’s difficult to spot where we’re getting in our own way, to recognize where we’re holding ourselves to overly high standards. And even harder to move past a deep-seated pattern like this.

But it IS possible. And perhaps not as hard as you think – if you’re open to making some changes and supporting yourself in new ways.

The Plague of Perfectionism

As someone who has held herself to overly high standards, from “straight As” in challenging high school and university curricula, to leadership roles as a professional and to work for clients in my own business, I know as well as anyone that overly high standards can be a slippery slope to perfectionism.

And if I’ve struggled with it myself, I am not alone. Studies show that the tendency toward overly high standards and perfectionism is growing, with some researchers citing the possibility of a public health epidemic.

And these studies also show the impact it can have… on our relationships, our health, and even our work. While having high standards is a wonderful quality in many ways, when our standards are too high, we’re paralyzing ourselves in an ongoing search for something we won’t achieve.

That’s because we’re human, and, by nature, we’re imperfect. Instead of becoming more accomplished, we’re undermining our own potential – along with our enjoyment of our days.

And there is truly a plague of perfectionism that is pervasive in our modern life:

• We see it in health and fitness and even yoga industries, where publications shower us with images of the “perfect” body and each year there is a new life-changing diet.
• We see it in high standards and expectations of ourselves – and set by others – for “perfect” work and performance, which often starts in our school-age years.
• We see it the media, in expectations of the house we live in, the relationships we have, the lifestyle we live and even the car we drive, holding for instance, our home environment to a standard of cleanliness or furnishing or location that is “perfect” or “ideal.”
• We even see it in the worlds of inner work and spirituality, where our “perfect’ standards for a meditation or prayer or other mindfulness practice can lead to us beating ourselves up if we miss a day.

Because we are so surrounded by this in our culture and media, and high expectations are so pervasive, you may not realize how very high your own standards are – and how stressful that can be.

Your struggle may not be perfectionism, it may be overly high standards in one or multiple areas that are adding stress, impacting your performance and even stealing some of the sweetness of life.

The Energetics of Perfectionism

Studies show that most perfectionists are not actually trying to be “perfect.” They are simply trying to avoid not being good enough. Like anyone, they want to avoid failure.

And high standards can and do serve us in many ways. They can help us:

• Deliver quality products and services in a way that supports our success as well as that of our clients
• Stay motivated to show up and perform at our best
• Have the discipline to see a project through despite obstacles and challenges

Yet when our standards are too high, in too many areas for too long; when we demand “perfect” bodies or “perfect” work performance or “perfect” anything; we paralyze ourselves in a search of something that doesn’t exist.

Energetically, when we constantly strive for unreachable standards, this chokes our life force. Instead of being able to focus our energy into the forward motion of our life, the flow of our own energy, mental, emotional, physical, stalls out in what can be an endless circling back around that tries to take care of and manage (or suppress) everything, no matter how small, that’s viewed as not meeting our high standards.

This cycle kills ease, creativity and productivity—the effortless, joyful experience that is often described as being in the flow.

Six Signs Your High Standards Are Getting In Your Way

Are you an overly high achiever or a perfectionist? The most important first step is to acknowledge if this is happening so that you can begin to address it.

And multiple studies show it can have a negative impact on your productivity and relationships as well as putting you at risk for depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and more.

Here are 6 signs that your high standards and pursuit of perfection are getting in your way – and it’s important that you make some changes:

1. You don’t really allow yourself to make mistakes. If you’re struggling with perfectionism or overly high standards, it’s difficult to forgive your own mistakes. Instead of seeing them as a learning opportunity, you may criticize and put pressure on yourself for a less than perfect outcome. You may feel inadequate and even ashamed, and these feelings preoccupy your mind, sometimes to the point of losing productivity in other areas.
2. You struggle to celebrate and accept your success. Perfectionists don’t tend to acknowledge their wins to the extent that they’re able to experience the joy and satisfaction of a job well done. It’s never good enough, and you can get so deep into the details that you become frustrated – and even angry at yourself or colleagues. Even when your goal is complete and results in success in the eyes of your clients, your colleagues or friends, deep down you believe you could and should have done better. Instead of celebrating, you see the flaws in how you (or others) executed the project. There is always something wrong, even if the outcome is what the client or the team wanted.
3. You believe your likeability is linked to your performance. Your personality and positive qualities – such as compassion, a sense of humor, honesty and integrity – aren’t what you believe people will like about you. At some level, it doesn’t feel like it’s enough to be a great person, you must be a great person at all times and in all areas. You don’t feel likeable when you feel your performance is off. And you often feel your performance is off because your standards are so high. You may talk about your achievements, but feel ashamed of your all-too-human flaws so you avoid discussing – or truly learning from – your failures. This then makes it harder for others to relate and connect with you on an authentic level.
4. You keep up a front that everything is going well. Deep down, you may feel afraid of being judged by others. After all, who doesn’t want to be liked? Yet when your standards are overly high, you may want the outside world to view you as being on top of everything, even making it all easy. Even when you’re facing real challenges and you’d benefit from support or asking for help, you may put up a front which leads others to think everything’s under control. You may even mislead yourself into thinking that if you just give yourself more time – another week, another month – things will get better.
5. You struggle with getting things done on time. Since perfection is an illusion, the pursuit of it is never complete–and neither are your projects. You may get things done, but instead of celebrating real progress along the way – you’re in a constant battle, consciously or unconsciously, with the decisions and motivation to complete certain things. In the back of your mind, “what ifs” and expectation of a negative consequence or result can preoccupy you. This zaps your energy and the pressure itself can be overwhelming.
6. Life doesn’t feel satisfying to you. When was the last time you weren’t challenged by life? Because nothing in life is perfect, when standards are overly high, it’s very difficult to feel satisfied. When problems occur or work or relationships at home seem unsettled, it presents a problem that you may experience more intensely than the problem itself. Anxiety and stress often increase, which feeds an illusion that things are not going well. This alone takes away your enjoyment of aspects of your work and your life which might otherwise be quite satisfying, even in the midst of a challenging time.

If this sounds familiar, if you find yourself working to overly high standards or perfection, and you know it causes you excess stress, I encourage you to pay attention to these situations.

When it comes to ourselves, our work, our business, it’s difficult to spot where we’re getting in our own way, to recognize where we’re holding ourselves to overly high standards. And even harder to move past a deep-seated pattern like this.

But it IS possible. And the most important first step is to recognize a pattern. From there it may not as hard as you think – if you’re open to making some changes and supporting yourself in new ways.

If you’d like support in moving past patterns of overly high standards or overwork that isn’t supporting you getting traction on what’s most important, I invite you to reach out for a chat.

Or go here to get a free guide with 5 strategies for changes that will last for better work / life balance. Remember: even a 10% improvement can be life-changing!